Friday, February 5, 2010

Mustard Seed

This is a strange way to venture back into blogging again, but I don't know how else to do it. I *SO* wish that I could post beautiful pictures, the last childhood antics of my five favorite Littles, or some brilliant homeschool endeavor we have recently undertaken, but I can't because that is not where we are right now, and I am not very good at pretending.

I am tired.

This week (and last week, and the week before that, and the week...) have been some of the most difficult-testing-my-faith-God-are-you-EVEN-paying-attention? hours of my life.  We seem to have hit all the wrong benchmarks in one fell swoop. As of Tuesday our house officially went back to the bank and my husband hit the one year mark for his unemployment, thus expiring his benefits.

Our proverbial belts have no more notches for tightening and now it feels like we are once again being thrown into crisis mode and frankly, crisis mode sucks.

 There has to be some other gear we could coast around in for a while, right?

I am trying to trust that God is who He says He is, but I am doing a lousy job of it.
All sort of Doubting Thomas thoughts are entering my mind:

Do you really care about us?
Would you let us become homeless? Would you let it get that bad?
If you want me to homeschool our kids then why do our legs and routine and livelihood continue to get knocked out from under us?
Why haven't we heard back from the ONE company my husband has managed to secure an interview with this year? It has been two weeks. Why would it seem like such a good fit, and then nothing?

Our entire family is suffering for lack of vision, routine, and purpose. I see it not just in us, but in our children too.

We are begging for release. Freedom to move on from this place. Hope that we won't fall further.

We could really use your prayers.

I want to live by faith and not by sight, but I am afraid that I can't even hear His voice anymore.

Lord, I believe, help me in my unbelief.


SmallWorld at Home said...

Praying for you this morning...

Cammie said...

I asked the Lord to give me something to encourage:
Isaiah 4o:29-31
He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength.

Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall:

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Love you, think of you daily and am praying.

Christine said...

Praying for you. I can't say I blame you for how you feel. I think God truly understands. You've asked Him to help you in your unbelief and I believe He's going to honor that.
I'm not really all THAT far away from you, so if there's anything I can do, please let me know.

Emily said...

This afternoon while driving the 20 minutes to the grocery store I was praying for friends, family etc. God yet again placed you on my heart. I prayed for an endurance for you...for a relief soon, but a belief that He has not forsaken you.

Barbara said...

Thank you for being honest. Praying for you too...

MarshaMarshaMarsha said...

He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.
(Psalm 91:1,2)

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.
(John 14:27)

If you have time, read Psalm 27:1-14. Do not be discouraged. God loves you! He is faithful! He will provide...