Friction

Who I want to want to be and the reality of me have been bumping up against eachother a lot lately.

This has caused friction and friction is uncomfortable and makes me want to get out from under it.

Nothing has brought this to a head like the idea of Christmas; At times I have truly just wished I could wake up tomorrow and discover that it is January first.


I don't want to feel this way.
I want the gift of Jesus to be enough for our family.
Not in a resigned yeah-well-Jesus-is-the-reason-for-the-season sort of way, either.


I want my children to experience the reality of His love and I want that Love to move us to serve others.


I  need to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the reality of His love.


I want to be content and have a heart that is grateful instead of focusing on what is missing lately. 


I want this to be my reality, but it is not.


Instead I have felt like hiding so that I don't have to experience the disappointment my children may feel when they realize that Christmas may not be the way they remember it being. I have had to bite my tongue so as not to say something that might quench their joy.


It is not even really as much about the 'stuff' as it is about not knowing how to do things differently; about not knowing how to re-adjust our focus to what is real.


I do want to be able to give to my children, but mostly I am bothered by the fact that I don't know how to give them what matters most.

That is what saddens me.

Shouldn't this have been our emphasis from the start?

If their were no pretty gifts around the tree, shouldn't we still be in awe of The Baby in the Manger?
Shouldn't this Everything be enough?

I am praying about how to do this.

How do you claim the season for Christ?


Dear Lord,
Help me to know that You are enough. Help me to offer up a sacrifice of praise to you that You may be glorified in my home and wherever you send me.

Amen