Tongue-Tied

My blogging voice has been rather tongue-tied lately. Sometimes I talk myself out of writing because I don't want to come across as never having anything nice to say. I'm not a big fan of pretense so I find that lately silence has been the greater virtue. Don't get me wrong - I Know that I am blessed to be surrounded by laughter and many other good things, but my family is also in a period of long suffering right now and God has not revealed to us when relief will come.

I would be lying if I did not tell you that there have even been days that I have wondered if it ever will, this side of heaven.

I have had difficult seasons in my life but this one has surpassed them all because it has not been a sprint. I can't just hold my breath and be done. This is an endurance race that I have to learn to bear.

I don't like it one bit.

The trick is then, how to learn to live in it?

I have heard it said that if the Devil can't kill us he will take our life from us one moment at a time.

Isn't that so true?

There are so many things I don't know right now. I don't know when Daddy will have a job again-it does not look a bit promising. I don't know how long we will get to live where we are now; if we will be removed from our home-state, away from our extended family and friends; or what Christmas and Birthdays will look like this year.

What I do know is this. In between the unknown and the answers, there are moments:

Moments to laugh at a silly drawing.

Moments to thank God for the chance to get way as adults.

Moments to enjoy a new story.

Moments to teach my children.

Moments to invite family members into fellowship.

Moments to snuggle with my baby.

Moments to run my hands through my 9 year-old daughter's hair before other interests draw her away.

There are even moments for tears and for mourning what was lost.

Ordinary, mundane moments.

Moments to create a home that is a soft place to land, even if it isn't ours, because after all, it isn't...

This side of heaven is not our home, but these are our moments to live.

And those?

Well Devil, those are not up for grabs.

Eating Worms

It is past mid-night and I am hungry.

I was hungry at 11:00pm too, when I was out searching for a contact lens case and some multipurpose solution because after 1460.968796 straight hours of wearing my one-months'-supply of Day and Nights, my eyes were just screaming for a break.

I figured I could afford to let them off the hook for eight or so hours too- the baby is sleeping through the night now and my vision in my dreams has yet to be effected by my near-blindness. And since I was already doing my eyes a favor, my stomach wondered, maybe, because I was going out and all, if I would pick it up a Double-Decker from The Bell while I was at it.

Happy to maneuver the Suburban through the drive-thru.

Or at least I was until they told me it would be a twenty-minute wait.

Drat.

Like so many other things in life, getting into a situation can be so much easier than getting out. I'm just thankful there was no one behind me and my still-weighed-down-from-moving rig.

(Did I just say 'rig'?)

Ahhh, well. My stomach did not need fast food anyway.

As I pulled back into our parking lot I noticed my complex manager enjoying the coolness and peace of the Central Oregon air. I figured it could not last for long; that I might as well be the one to interrupt it.

Poor Gal.

What can I say? There was damage control that needed to be done. It turns out the neighbors below our household-of-seven don't really think we are all-that-and-a-bag-of-chips. Mixed nuts, maybe- but I think they may be allergic to nuts.

Would you believe that there have been four noise complaints (that we know of) against us since we moved in a little over three weeks ago? This is hard on the ego of a former apartment manager.

This particular night, I could have sworn we heard them banging on our floor where our TV sits.

We were celebrating Steve's Birthday and we had the audacity to watch a movie together, which meant we could not use our headphones as we have been doing, because we only have one pair. It appear our subtitles were a bit too loud for them.

We know we can be a boysterous bunch and have intentionally been trying to do things to accommodate them. After the first noise complaint Steve pulled out the headphones and has since been taking in his evening movie or video game almost intravenously. I try to put a floor between my kids and our neighbors after dinnertime. Every night after we eat I send them upstairs to play, but good golly, every once in a while the noise of daily life is just going to travel. Sometimes children fall off chairs or decide for no-good-reason that NOW (while mommy is mopping up a mess) is a good time to run circles around the living room, ya know? I'll get to them, just let me clean up the spilled milk first, thank you.


It is strange having a strained relationship with someone you don't even know, and it is strange feeling like you can't really *live* in your home.


I am thankful that our manager has been very understanding, even at 11:00 PM, thought I think she may reconsider making herself visible to me during non-office hours.


This has been a hard year.

I have grown very aware that my response to some of life's' punches has been on display for the world to see. A coworker of mine called me 'inspirational' the other day, but that is only because they do not live with me. My children and my husband could tell them the true story. I have been tried and found lacking.

I have been trying to do things in my own strength and we all know where that gets us.

My kids see me grumble. My husband sees me become obsessive over seemingly insignificant things because it is one of the few things I can control right now.
A week or so ago, it finally crept out into my other circles too. I was at work after spending the previous night laboring at our old house until past 4:00 am. One of our students was going to need more care than I could give them. It was going to require that I be up again all night and I was so tired already the thought of having to push on was too much. I cried and then went home.

I wish for things to be normal again. I crave routine; Husband to work, mom homeschooling kids. But I know that God is faithful to care for us and I am recommitting to live my life as if I believed He is who He says He is.

He promises me rest during storms, but I have to lean on him.

The thought has occurred to me too, that the season we are going through is not just for my husband and I. It is also for our children- a strange thought to think of this experience as a gift.

They are watching us. Are we modeling a life of faith? Will we let them see God through this or will we try and manage everything on our own and become frustrated? Will we act humbly when we are wrong?

This is the real lesson. Remembering that makes it easier to deal with a mortgage company who calls repeatedly because we have failed on our end of a contract; when I have to re-tell our story over and over again because people with late payments are robo-called. Can I still be nice even if the person on the other end isn't this time?

Will I teach my children to be respectful of our neighbors even if we think they are being unreasonable-even if they don't like us.

God does always know what we need.
Sometimes He gives us manna; sometimes He gives us worms.

Play Before Reading

Errrrr....uhhhh...make that the blog post you'll be reading. Some of you may recognize this clip as Lemony Snicket's opening in A Series of Unfortunate Events... a series of unfortunate events; that is what this post is about.


Like the narrator goes on to say, 'If you wish to see a film about a happy little elf, I'm sure there is still plenty of seating in theatre number two.' Consider yourself warned.

Without trying to sound too fatalistic or overly dramatic, this past year has just been One. Thing. After. Another.

Seriously, I itemized the last 12 months at work on Friday night, and it looked something like this:

Close relative 'A' makes poor choice which causes close relative 'B' their marriage, their job, and ultimately their home, just weeks after having major surgery.

Close relative 'B', still not recovered from surgery, is forced to find new home; not once, but twice.

After two full weeks of on-the-job training as a Residential Property Manager, said relative is notified on the eve of move-in, that it is 'just not going to work out.' Cancel moving truck. Rescind moving notice. Locate panic button.

Said relative moves in with family. Yeah, that would be us.

Three bedrooms.
Three adults.
Four children.
SEVEN cats.
Two birds.
One baby on the way.

No Partridge.
No Pear-Tree.

Several months.
Winter.
Cabin Fever.

Three foot long hole in the carpet from 5/7Th's of cats, who are pesumably angry that they were not allowed into the rest of the house. I gave them my room, what more could they ask!?

More Surgery.
Infections.

Husband's employer's company starts shrinking...50,40,30,20,12?
You can stop now.
Husband receives pink-slip.
Make that 11.

Baby girl is born-good thing she is accustomed to close quarters.

Relative finds job/housing.
Daughters move out of kitchen/family/dining/bedroom/homeschool-room-thingy into what used to be The Parent's room.

Baby is now almost four months old-still no job.
Shrinking savings.
Relative 'B' is overwhelmed by her new job; almost 60-year-old body is not what it used to be.


Mix all this with holidays, birthdays, suicide talk, suicide attempts (relative B), people pretending to have cancer (remember relative A at the top of the list? Yeah, who does that!?!), homeschooling and just-plain-old-trying-to-put-my-home-and-routine-back-together, and I realize why I find myself holding my breath as often as I do.

It is a lot.

It has felt like a lot for a long time now.

Despite this, I still have to smile at my kids and fix them meals. Not to mention the 120 finger and toe nails that need grooming, including my own. Those pesky things are as bad as the weeds threatening my yard.



I remember that God promises to make a way out for us; He says that he will not give us more than we can bear. I feel like I am at the tipping point. It does feel like I'm at my limit. I'm tired. I'm looking for that promise to make my path straight.

Remember the game Mercy? Well mercy, already.

This Friday my husband and I did the math and recognized that we can not possibly hold on to our house any longer. Even if we were to modify our mortgage we would still have too many utility costs. There are doctor bills from the baby to pay because we are living off of what was suppose to cover them. Staying here would mean that when my husband does return to work, it would have to be at the same pay scale, and with unemployment at 16% in our county, our expectations need to be realistic. He may have to change fields completely which means going back to school.

Part of me does want to move because every day that I am in this place I feel as if I am sinking into quicksand. I'm irritated that after seven years here we still have not been able to make it what we wanted it to be. I'm sad to let it go. I had one baby when we first moved in, now we have five. All the trees that are planted, we put into the earth. I feel like a failure.

How can you hate and love a place both at the same time?

I just want a fresh start. I don't feel like we could ever recover here.

On Saturday I stopped by some apartments not more than a block away from our home. They were intended to be condos until all building came to a halt last fall; two weeks ago they started renting them.

We have just enough money right now that we could pay move in costs and leave our home in respectable condition. If we don't act, we will begin falling behind on our mortgage, the rest of our bills, and then will have spent anything we might possibly be able to put towards relocating. What do we do about our home obligations though? It does not seem right for Christians to bail out on things they have committed to.

Oi. Where is Miracle Max when you need him? There are castles to be stormed and laundry to be washed.


I was surprised to find the rental office open on the weekend. I took the tour and was very honest with them about the spot we are in. The units are GORGEOUS and would save us about $500-$600 per month, if not more with late fees considered. Our application was approved and if we sign a 15 month lease, we would receive two months free rent. Is this the right thing? Is this the next little piece God is giving us?

I don't like being here at all. Please pray that we would find favor in speaking with our mortgage company, whatever that is suppose to look like. So much to do,and just now I feel paralyzed.

Here is to hoping for beauty from ashes.